1. ‘Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.’

 2. ‘His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.’

 3. ‘I would not allow this employee to breed.’

 4. ‘This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.’

 5. ‘Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.’

 6. ‘When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.’

 7. ‘He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.’

 8. ‘This young lady has delusions of adequacy.’

 9. ’He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.’

 10. ‘This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.’

 11. ‘This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.’

 12. ‘Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.’

 13. ‘A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.’

 14. ‘He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.’

 15. ‘He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.’

 16. ‘ I would like to go hunting with him sometime.’

 17. ‘He’s been working with glue too much.’

 18. ‘He would argue with a signpost.’

 19. ‘He has a knack for making strangers immediately.’

 20. ‘He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.’

 21. ‘When his I.Q. reaches 50 he should sell’.

 22. ‘If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.’

 23. ‘A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.’

 24. ‘A prime candidate for natural deselection.’

 25. ‘Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.’

 26. ‘Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.’

 27. ‘Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.’

 28. ‘If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.’

 29. ‘If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.’

 30. ‘If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.’

 31. ‘It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.’

 32. ‘Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.’

 33. ‘Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.’

 34. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead’.


  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft
  • Deer Kill 17,000
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Miners Refuse to Work After Death
  • Eye Drops Off Shelf
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendants
  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


  Appraisal Factors
Performance Factors Far Exceeds Job Requirements Exceeds Job Requirements Meets Job Requirements Needs Some Improvement Does Not Meet Minimum Requirements  
Communication Talks with God Talks with Angels Talks to himself Argues with himself Loses those arguments  
Adaptability Walks on water consistently Walks on water in emergencies Washes with water Drinks water Passes water in emergencies  
Initiative Is stronger than a locomotive Is stronger than a bull elephant Is stronger than a bull Shoots the bull Smells like a bull  
Timeliness Is faster than a speeding bullet Is as fast, as a speeding bullet Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet Would you believe a slow bullet? Wounds self with bullets when attempting to shoot a gun  
Quality Leaps tall buildings with a single bound Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings Can only leap over short buildings Crashes into buildings when attempting to leap over them Cannot recognize buildings at all, much less jump over them!  


Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy:

OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.

PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO’s son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.

STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you’ll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.

401k - This is how much money you’ll lose under your “Stock Option” plan.

HEALTH PLAN - No, that isn’t a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for “Hell’s Medical Organization.” It was organized by some of Hell’s finest minds; Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:

     1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don’t forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.
     2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician’s name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.
     3) You are not covered under this plan.

TERMINATION - All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a “grace period” to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.


     SICKNESS - No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

     AN OPERATION - We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

     DEATH - Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

     Your own: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESUME BLOOPERS save file    

Following are examples of unintentional bloopers that have appeared on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters:

“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.”
(And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.)

“Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.” (No problem ...)

“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.” (Glad to hear it.)

“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
(And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)

“I am very detail-oreinted.”
(With the possible exception of spelling)

“I can play well with others.”
(We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)

“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.”
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

“Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.”
(Have you considered law school?)

“My salary requirement is $34 per year.” (They say money isn’t everything.)

“Served as assistant sore manager.” (Ouch.)

‘Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.”
(So you’re willing to travel?)

Some more gems:

• “Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”
• “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”
• “Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”
• “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
• “I am a rabid typist.”
• “Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.”
• “Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”
• “Proven ability to track down and correct errors.”
• “Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”
• “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”
• “References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
• “Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
• “Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”
• “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
• “I procrastinate-especially when the task is unpleasant.”
• “I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
• “Qualifications: No education or experience.”
• “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
• “Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”
• Cover letter: “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”

JOKES save file    

 1. Where can anybody but you sit?
 2. Why would a cleaning person prefer to wash a mirror than a window of the same size, assuming both are easily accessible?
 3. How can you throw a ball so it will reverse direction and return to you without the ball bouncing against or touching any solid object?
 4. Your bed and a light switch are 15 feet apart. Without using any object or mechanical device-no pole, no remote switch-how can you turn off the light and get into bed before the room is dark?
 5. Rusty’s Montana cabin is almost buried in snow, and the temperature is 25 below zero. Rusty’s eyes move from the single match he has in his hand to a candle, an oil lamp and a fireplace with kindling-all ready to be lit. Which does he light first?
 6. What common mechanized transports in New York City (120,000 of them) carry three times as many passengers daily as all the city’s subways, trains, buses, cars and taxis combined?
 7. Why didn’t William Howard Taft run for a third term as President?
 8. What is cowhide chiefly used for?
 9. Can you rearrange these letters into one long word: doornonegwl?
 10. If Betsey Ross were living today, what would she be most noted for?

1. Your lap
2. A mirror usually has only one side
3. Throw the ball straight up
4. Go to bed during daylight
5. The match
6. Elevators
7. He was never elected a second term
8. For holding cows together
9. One long word
10. Her age


1. “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”
2. “What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter”.
3. “E-Mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should used only for company business”.
4. “This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it”.
5. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”
6. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.”
7. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.”
8. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “if I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!”
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could changer her burial to Friday. He said, “that would be better for me.”
10. “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them”.

WILL ROGERS QUOTES save file    

 1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither work.
 4. Always drink upstream from the herd.
 5. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
 6. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
 7. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
 8. If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
 9. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n